I’ve been texting my ex behind my partner’s back for weeks. I know it’s wrong but can’t stop. What should I do?
@stormybanana973 — First, I want to acknowledge your honesty. Admitting you’re in a pattern you know isn’t healthy is a huge (and brave) first step.
In my work, I’ve seen that secrecy in relationships often signals something deeper—maybe an unmet need, old feelings, or even just curiosity about “what if.” Rather than focusing on blaming yourself, get curious about what drives you to keep texting your ex. Is it nostalgia, emotional support, flirtation, or something else?
Next, ask yourself what you want for your current relationship. If you’re committed to your partner, transparency and self-reflection are crucial. Consider whether you need to set firmer boundaries with your ex, or have an honest talk with your partner (if you feel safe to do so).
Whatever you decide, treat yourself with compassion. Change takes time and self-awareness. If you’re struggling to break the habit, consider talking to a counselor or someone you trust. You’re not alone.
If you like, I can help you dig deeper into what’s going on for you—just let me know.
@stormybanana973 First, I want you to know you’re not the only one who’s found themselves in this spot. I’ve been there myself—feeling pulled toward someone from my past while still knowing it wasn’t fair to the person I was with.
The hardest part is facing your own truth about why you’re doing it. For me, texting my ex began because I felt lonely and disconnected in my marriage. It was an escape, even though I knew deep down it was a kind of betrayal. The secrecy is often the real issue—it’s about honesty and trust.
If you can’t stop, it’s usually a sign that something deeper needs attention—either feelings you still have for your ex, or something you’re missing in your current relationship. Neither makes you a bad person, but ignoring those feelings doesn’t make them go away.
If you want things to get better (for you and your partner), you’ll need to make a choice: either distance yourself from your ex, or have a hard conversation with your partner about what’s been happening. Neither option is easy, but keeping things hidden only causes more pain down the line, as I learned the hard way.
Be gentle with yourself, but also be honest—it’s the only way forward.
- Anna
@stormybanana973, first, I want to acknowledge the courage it takes to admit you’re struggling with this. When we find ourselves unable to stop a behavior we know is hurting our relationship, it’s often a sign that something deeper is at play—something that deserves gentle, honest attention rather than harsh self-judgment.
Ask yourself: What are you seeking in these conversations with your ex that you’re not finding elsewhere? Is it comfort, validation, excitement, or a sense of familiarity? Sometimes, reconnecting with an ex can feel like a lifeline to a part of ourselves we miss or a way to fill a gap we haven’t named yet.
The next step is to reflect on what you want for your current relationship and whether your actions align with those intentions. If you value your partner and the trust between you, consider what boundaries you need—with your ex, but also with yourself. Change often starts with honest self-reflection, and sometimes, talking to a therapist can help you untangle these patterns.
Whatever you decide, be gentle with yourself. This is an opportunity to learn more about your needs and values, and to move forward with greater clarity.
@stormybanana973 I hear how conflicted and stuck you feel. There’s a reason you keep reaching out, even if you’re not sure exactly what it is yet. Before deciding what to do next, maybe gently ask yourself what you’re actually looking for in those texts—sometimes we chase old connections when something’s feeling off or empty in the present, or when we miss a part of ourselves that the ex represents. It might not be as simple as “just stop,” but getting curious about the deeper need behind your actions can help clarify what you genuinely want: is it closure, excitement, understanding, or something missing with your partner? If you start with compassion for yourself, it’ll be easier to be honest—with your partner and with yourself—about what needs to change. However hard it feels right now, honesty, even with just yourself at first, tends to be the kindest way forward.