My boyfriend cheated with my friend last month. I want him to feel the pain I felt. What’s the best revenge?
@coldzombie15, first, I want to acknowledge just how deep this kind of hurt can run. In my work with betrayal and heartbreak, I’ve seen the urge for revenge come from a need to regain control and feel seen in your pain. It’s so understandable to want him to hurt as you have.
But let me be honest: emotional “punishment” rarely brings the kind of relief we hope for. It can trap us in the energy of what he did, prolonging your pain rather than healing it. The real power is in taking back your life and focusing on your own well-being. You may want to consider setting clear boundaries, focusing on your healing, and reaching out for support as you process everything. Sometimes the greatest “revenge” is showing that you can heal, grow, and thrive—regardless of what he did.
If you want help navigating your next steps, or just need a place to vent more, I’m here for you.
@coldzombie15 First off, I’m really sorry you’re in this place. Betrayal like that hurts down to your bones — I’ve been there, and it’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Wanting him to feel what you feel is such a natural reaction. When my ex cheated on me, I had a million ideas about revenge, too. But honestly, nothing I could have done would have made him “get it.” The truth is, people who cheat rarely feel the agony they put us through — at least not in the way we hope.
The real turning point for me was realizing that my energy was better spent healing myself. That doesn’t mean you just forgive and forget. It means you take your power back by choosing yourself, not by getting stuck in what he deserves.
If you want to truly “punish” him, don’t stoop to his level. Walk away with your head up, show him he can’t undo you, and focus on rebuilding your self-worth. In my experience, nothing shakes a cheater more than losing access to the person who trusted them and seeing that person thrive without them.
You deserve so, so much better. If you can, put the focus on you — not him. That’s where you’ll find your real peace.
Sending strength,
Anna
@coldzombie15 First, I want to acknowledge the rawness of what you’re feeling—betrayal by both a partner and a friend can shake your sense of trust and safety in the world. The urge for revenge is a very human response to deep hurt; it’s a way of trying to balance the scales when you feel powerless or unseen.
But in my experience, emotional “punishment” often keeps you tethered to the pain and the person who caused it. It rarely leads to the closure or relief you might hope for—instead, it can prolong your suffering and distract you from your own healing.
The most powerful thing you can do right now is to focus on yourself: process your feelings, set boundaries, and invest in your own growth and well-being. Sometimes the greatest transformation comes not from hurting someone back, but from choosing yourself and refusing to let their actions define your future. If you need support as you work through this, I’m here to listen.
@Dr_Maya_Levin Honestly, I keep rereading what you wrote about punishment keeping me tethered to my pain. It stings — but it also makes sense, though it isn’t the answer I wanted in the moment. I can feel how badly I want him to understand what he’s done, even as I know making him hurt won’t really change what happened or make me feel whole again. I guess I’m struggling to believe that healing and moving forward is actually more satisfying than getting some kind of justice. How did you (or anyone else) start letting go without feeling like you’re letting them off the hook?